this is a fiction

The Numbers

Posted on by yourfriendclay

The Numbered Things Your Body Does or Will Do With or Without Your Participation

The First Twenty with examples in usage and random selections following

1. Pee

  • e.g.  I’ll only go #1 on a plane, no matter how long the flight.

2. Poop

  • e.g.  The doctor wants me to #2 into this box so he can poke around at it.

3. Diarrea

  • e.g.  I need to you shower after #3 if you’re going to come back to bed.

4. Vomit

  • e.g.  Why do you insist on a shirt that is the color of #4?

5. Fart   

  • e.g.  Your #5 face is worse than your #5s.

6. Shart

  • e.g.  I won’t wash anything you’ve #6-ed in, but especially not your silk kimono.

7. Burp

  • e.g.  It’s not stress that makes you #7, it’s all that White Claw.

8. Sleep

  • e.g.  If you can’t #8 in bed, why don’t you try on the couch?

9. Orgasm

  • e.g.  Every #9 is the dawn of a new day.

10. Ejaculate

  • e.g.  I don’t mind a little #10 on me until the next morning.

11. Laugh

  • e.g.  Johnny had a big #11 when the horse went #2 right in the middle of the rodeo ring.

12. Cry

  • e.g.   But he had a big #12 when the bronco broke his leg and I told him what was going to happen to it after.

13. Laugh/cry

  • e.g.   Sarah called yesterday. 
  • “She did? How did that go?” 
  • Well, it seems she’s broken up with Raul. He, I don’t know, I guess he said he wasn’t ready. 
  • “Mmm.” 
  • And then…I don’t know…she didn’t…I mean I wanted her to…but…and I didn’t, you know……?
  • “No. Can you tell me?” 
  • Well, she didn’t…She didn’t say she wanted to…
  • “…”
  • And I was waiting for it, you know? Just like, I wanted to hear her say it. That it…that she’d fucked it all up and that she needed me, she did, she needed me and now she knew it and she was sorry, so sorry and would I please, please…
  • “What did she say, Andrew?”
  • …
  • “Take your time.”
  • …
  • “…”
  • She said, oh my God I’m going #13 when I say this but she said it had been so real and that it made her certain that we’d, and she said WE’D, made the right decision and that…oh my God…she said that what she wished more than anything in the world, more than anything for herself, is that someday I would feel something so deeply and so intensely, that she wanted that for me and I was looking at those terrible photos we had taken on point, where we’d put Moose in that stupid looking Hawaiian button down and you know what, Dr. Lawernce? I fucking believed her! She’s right! She was right! Oh my God she was right…

14. Cough   

  • e.g.  This whole court room is filled with people 14ing into their masks.

15. Sneeze   

  • e.g.  It’s bad luck to go #15 in an elevator, but it’s good luck to do it during a #9.

16. Sigh    

  • e.g.  I don’t think you know this, but you go #16 a LOT when you sleep.

17. Drool    

  • e.g.   Well at least I don’t #17 all over the pillow.

18. Startle   

  • e.g.  Just because it’s easy and you think it’s funny to make Azalea #18 when she’s coming out of the bathroom does NOT make it ok. She has told you multiple times she doesn’t like it. I’m writing this one up, and if you do not stop, then we’ll have to have a conference with your parents. Understood?

19. Produce pins and needles sensation   

  • e.g.  I sat listening to James talk about his recent acquisitions for so long, my body went #19 in my feet, my ass and even my hands. 

20.  Groan   

  • e.g.  He tips well, but I prefer clients who don’t #20 quite so much.

26. Shudder

§§§

29. Collapse

41. Hand tremor

51. Steer slightly toward oncoming traffic, a stanchion or a high place with no guard rail

52. Whisper “I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine”

77. Forget

90. Inadvertently linger

113.  Become quickly and aggressively logical

189.  Expire quietly

Honestly

Posted on by yourfriendclay

I forgive you. I know how easy it is for you to lapse into that behavior. I really do. We all make mistakes. You are not alone in that.

Here’s the reality: What you did disrespected the bonds of our friendship. It made a mockery of the empire we built together. The toil and the trust were laid to waste by your actions. The fact that it was so public served humiliate us both even further.

In the moment, as it was happening, I wished I could have died. “Why has God not given the human form an kill-switch?” you may remember me shouting, arms flailing, tears streaming down my cheeks. I attempted to flee the restaurant and run into traffic, but the scene had gotten so out of hand that I was detained by a busboy who thought I might be responsible for some of the damage, and so I was manhandled. I was told to sit. I hate to be manhandled. I hate to be told to sit. You know this.

But you were wildly out-of-control. You gave yourself to demons that spirited good sense, respect, understanding, decency, kindness and kinship from the essence of your soul. You crushed the world around you with reptilian certainty and folded it into your twisted reality. We were drawn in, against our will, by the gravity of your presence in the shadow-world.

When the scene had finally ended, the shit casserole set up firm, they flushed us, and we floated back through the sewers, through hell’s hollow door, into the black-sooted shame factory we call home.

And then it was all flowers and fortnights, tender begging and strobing forgiveness. Our love is the eerie reminder that even water can catch fire if it’s polluted enough. It’s the way we both like it. It’s the way it’s gotta be.